1. Why does everyone feel the need to make up some lame excuse about why they’re talking about themselves for 25 things? “everyone else is doing it” “im bored at work” “oh my gosh i can’t believe im doing this! dangit here goes!” No need for excuses people, we’re all narcissistic enough to be on something called Facebook. Face. book. My face is sooo cool there should be a book about it. A book of faces.
Look, we make profiles detailing or making fun of our various accomplishments or failures, we post pictures from our best and worst nights out, we think its necessary to update our every bowel movement on our status, and we already probably have a myspace or something else equally ridiculous that implies our self-importance. Just go for it, man. Be bold. 25 things about you and you are STOKED to share them.

2. I’m almost positive I’ll be writing my 25 things sometime later tonight, after the second glass of wine, in yet another attempt to stall writing my cover letters and resumes. As long as the DVR of an Office episode I’ve already seen twice and own on DVD doesnt get in the way.

3. This is a great sixth attempt to stall. Stalling going great! Have yet to apply to real job this week. But hey, its only Tuesday on the Pacific Coast!

4. I went to the dentist yesterday and have four cavities filled. I get lots of cavities because of a genetic defect that gave me a lesser amount of enamel than normal humans. However, dentists interpret this defect, most apparent on the inside of my teeth and compounded by a horrible habit of grinding my teeth, which forces me to wear a really attractive mouth guard at night, as a sign that i either a. suck on lemons (no, really) or b. am bulimic. Now, I’m no expert on eating disorders, but as far as I know, bulimics are thin people. I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but thin is not one of them. So yeah, I get cavities. Whatevs. Bring on my favorite candy – Valentines Day Conversation Hearts!! AHHHH!!!! Its the most wonderful time of the year.

5. There has got to be a way to make going to the dentist less painful. The whole time I’m paralyzed with fear that this nice woman is going to drop a drill down my throat, which causes me to close up my throat with my tongue, leading me to phlegm buildup and weird gag during most procedures in a really awkward way.

6. My other great fear is that I have a booger or huge zit I somehow managed to miss in my morning inspection. (i love popping zits) I know if I was a dental assistant, just standing there holding the scalpel and drool sucking thing the whole time, I wouldn’t be able to help but notice people’s stray eyebrows, or bushy ear hair patches, woman mustaches, or melanoma-shaped mole, or curious spread of blackheads people must pretend are freckles. or breath. yeeeikes.

7. she did the first two cavities without numbing me, which made me feel like such a badass, until i started to involuntarily kick and moan during the other two, forcing her to numb me. Then I couldn’t decide if it was more or less painful to be numb. At least when you’re not numb, you can feel them drilling into your brain. When you ARE numb, you can’t tell what part of your brain they’re drilling or poking yet another needle into, and are therefore unable to accurately imagine your cerebral geography and picture the lobe they are destroying, and decide whether or not you can live without it and start to make necessary plans.

8. I’m missing two of my permanent teeth, so my top row never grew together, so i have all these gaps that make it pointless to floss. Or so I think. I dont like having them floss for me. It hurts. They say it hurts because I dont floss. I say it hurts because they’re flossing me. So. Moot.

9. drool = always funny. This is proven by the face-numbing dentist stuff they give you that makes me slurp and drool all over the world. I get giggly on that stuff, slapping myself over and over and marveling at the unhurt of it, poking and scratching at my lips and slurring out “it dudnt huuurt! hahahaha” like a maniac.

10. 25 is a much bigger number than i originally thought.

11. i may have to quit soon here.

12. um

13. when i get a real job, I think I’m really going to miss wearing sweats all the time. wearing sweats is also like thinking i might work out at some point in the day, I’m always ready for that workout. What I usually do is go on Wii Fit and see how chubby Wii makes my Mii after weighing me, and if I’m too depressed afterwards, I’ll watch some dvr’ed 30 Rock or something, or the Office, and pretend Jim loves me and not that silly Pam girl. Just kidding I love Pam. Plain Jane Pam. I think I’m cuter than her. I hope.

14. i think facebook big brother is spying on me. the ads to the right are always about dating or writing or wanting to lose weight or traveling. I didn’t notice it at first, but now I’m creeped out. However I have totally responded to that one they always run about wanting to publish your own book. There’s a sucker born every minute.

15. i think im going to get rid of my myspace account. are people still on that? I like facebook better. i feel like the chances of random weirdos trying to add you or someone designing their page so your mouse icon looks like a unicorn chasing a falling star or being forced to listen to some annoying Colbie Caileat song over and over while pretending not to stalk your exboyfriend’s exreplacement-you-girlfriend are less on Facebook than on myspace. There’s too many bells and whistles to Myspace. I feel like I’m having a seizure at a rave at Disneyland.

16. while I’m at it, I’d like to give a shoutout to Daniel Gaines for trying to get me on Facebook in 2002 while I was still in high school I’m pretty sure. I thought it was totally wack, and look at me now. Can’t. Stop. Danny, you are so smart. I think you can read the future.

17. I used to wear my glasses to finals or interviews or places I wanted to look smarter than normal. Glasses convey intelligence and authority. But right now I have some random eyelid tear duct infection and can’t wear contacts, and so I have also learned that glasses equals tired and ugly. Almost every single person I run into asks me if I’m sick or tired or why am I up out of my deathbed running around with glasses on?! If this tear duct infection makes it impossible for me to wear contacts for the rest of my life….I just don’t know. I’ll definitely be upset. I’ll sure save money on eye shadow though.

18. So how are people finding jobs these days? I’ve talked to so many who have been laid off recently, or hours cut back, or just straight up unemployed nonsense for the last few months. I’m completely addicted to my craigslist nonprofit ads and idealist.org rss feed. Its ridunkulous. What should I do? Give myself a timeline and if I dont have a real job by the end of it, succumb to waiting tables again? Do I move to another job market? Do I sell all worldly possessions, drive across the country and try to publish a book in New York? How long is it acceptable to live with your parents? At what age must you renounce familial dependence? I do really appreciate the fact that there is an awesome chips and crackers selection in the house though. I forgot how great Cheezits were til I moved home. And 2% milk?! incredible!

19. i hate the resume and cover letter writing process. it feels like really awkward bragging. The whole thing is like “you know you want this! come and get it!” I know I’m trying to sell myself. But I dont want to sell myself. When I need to write something really amazing volunteerlike stuff I did, I’d rather write something like “helped some people get some things they needed. I felt really good afterwards.” This, however, will not get me hired.

20. Sometimes I’m not even sure I want a job. Maybe I can be a tragic hermit who doesnt leave her house for five years but produces the greatest work of semi autobiographical fiction since Sylvia Plath. Minus the whole head in the oven part. Maybe I’ll order my pizza delivery online like Sandra Bullock in “The Net.” Maybe sympathetic readers will take turns bringing me casseroles and ignore how much I smell and the ratty Bill Cosby sweaters I’m wearing. As long as I’m going with creepy old lady writer vibe, I hereby declare I would definitely have dogs instead of cats.

21. I’m really into old african american church spiritual gospel music right now. I keep saying “mmm Jesus honey child” and drafting Thank You letters to Sweet Honey in the Rock.

22. I’ve got a few more or less realistic options for not working a real job while still making a decent living. My only requirements for a decent living are enough money for food and bills and the occasional night out at the pub for all my friends on me. and a husband who supports all the rest.
My options for the rest are:
a. write a book that Oprah picks as a book of the month club, or whatever she does. These normally work out best if its an autobiography, that turns out later to be a complete fabrication. I feel like I can do that.
b. write a pop song. Katy Perry is my main inspiration for this one, after the “Hot and Cold” nonsense. Shoot I wrote that song in second grade.
c. Create a YouTube video that somehow captures the spirit of the Obama administration

23. I hung out with my great grandma on Saturday. She’s 93 and lived through the Depression, like, the REAL one, so maybe thats why I’m pretty much chill about the not having a job thing. All I have to do, according to her, is take a tractor over the border to Juarez, where there is no such nonsense like that nasty Prohibition, and find me a real man to take care of me.

24. If worse comes to worse, my friend Jess and I already decided we’d don the awesome orange vests and go to work building freeways for Obama. Yes we did!

25. Wow I made it. neato!

Advertisements