I have a few new ideas for scraping through these horrible economic times…I’m going to turn to a life of crime. I can be your Bonnie, you can be my Clyde. It seems so romantical! And I’ve always liked those bandit masks! Man I love that word bandit! I think I’m going to name one of my kids that. Bandit. haha awesome.

This thought came about during the neverending process that is trying to be a substitute teacher, when I went to get fingerprinted today. Fingerprint girl informed me that I have horrible fingerprints, due to a. ten years of playing guitar b.five years of serving food and washing my hands alllllmost every time I went to the bathroom or sneezed. c. typing on the computer so much.

She showed me the difference between her fingerprints, which were like these beautiful, delicate little pink fingers with perfect swirls and things, next to mine, with scratches and scars and blurry spots all over them from picking up hot plates and antibacterial soap overuse and clickety clack clack on the keyboard. Like I thought my fingerprints were all cool, and then she showed me hers, and I felt fat and ugly. From comparing fingerprints. I just cant get a break!

The girl who took my prints was maaaaybe 20, married, pimply and reeking of cigarette smoke, and telling me all these funny stories of the creepy guys she has to fingerprint that tell her how soft her hands are and ask for her number. I think she gets lonely in that office because she talked my ear off. She told me my prints would probably be rejected by the Department of Justice for their irregularities and that some of them were almost impossible to get clear prints of.

And thats when it hit me. I could be a thief! I could be a pickpocket! I could rob banks. Thats where all the money is! I need money! Thats where I’m going! They would never be able to trace me. And I would get to wear funny clothes like shoes that are too big and trench coats and talk in accents, which I love.

Should that not work out, I’ve spent considerable time browsing the “ETC” ads on Craigslist, and there are all kiiiinds of sketchy things you can do to earn money. There is apparently such a huge demand for surrogacy or egg donors that they even advertise on Facebook, but on Craigslist, if I was able to be a sperm donor, I could be making like 14 grand a year! But you have to sign a contract to visit twice a week, so even as just a donor, you gotta have some level of commitment. Sorry, dudes.

Then there are the various dog walking agencies who have rejected me because I have no previous professional dog walking experience. I’m serious. Thats what they said in their response to my follow-up email, like there is such a large pool of professional dog walkers out in the world that they can reject a university educated pet enthusiast, who was so desperate for a job at the time of emailing, she considered commuting to San Francisco on BART to walk dogs for 11 dollars an hour, four hours a day.

And then there are some CREEPERS who want to videotape you like washing their car or grating cheese. Yikes. There are also some interesting psychological tests that pay you to probe your brain with electrodes, or opportunities for women with hairy upper lips to participate in a study on laser treatments. They are also hiring bounty hunters. Mullet is not included in the training.

I’m also mildly interested in the “part time traffic director” position at some private school in Oakland. I love that neon vest and huge STOP sign they get, and oh, oh the power they hold in their hands. “No, car, yes kids, no parents yes children dog crossing everyone stop! I control Traffic! I am very important!” I actually can’t stand those people. The woman in my sister’s parking lot at school? Sometimes I wonder if any of the other people think about accidentally tapping her with the front bumper of their Volvo. Not that I would, but sometimes I think.

So far, this is my favorite ad beginning, for an origami writer: “Do you dream of forming bird bases at night? Do crimp folds come as naturally to you as breathing? If you are a writer who enjoys paper crafts such as origami, then we have a writing gig for you.”

Isnt that awesome?! Life is so great.

Advertisements