I’ve been exploring the facets and funnies of facebook lately. check out yesterday’s post that has the first part of this list of different kinds of status updaters you might find on your friend list…

  • the lush updater – punctuated by the drink in their hand, location, spelling errors, and shout outs to everyone who is with them at the bar. Example: “jst discvered Pink Appletiniritas at Moonbar with Jeni, Pylter and Mook! hahaha!” Can also be accompanied by a mobile upload in a dark, fuzzy place, with several faces smooshed together, OR an “artsy” mobile upload of a cool looking drink, appetizer, and napkin.
  • the travel post updater – includes a location, perhaps an exotic aminal, or random food they just ate. Might also include how many days until we can expect another update to get jealous over. Should use the word “amazing” at least once, and requires an exclamation mark at the end of each sentence. Example: “eating organic hummus i made myself with a tribe of spider monkeys in Israel! this trip is so amazing! won’t have fb for another two weeks! miss you all!”
  • the “cool funky thing im doing” post – This is good for the artsy, hippie, traveler, person. Example : just got back from my bikram yoga class, now off to paint rocks in the desert with friends from burning. life is wild.
  • the athlete/person on a fitness kick poster – example: Just ran 8.9 miles with rocks in my backpack! training for my first half marathon! did 30 mins on the p90x! Check out the 2.46 mile walk I did on Runkeeper! :)
  • the “proud parent” update: example – “my son just got a modeling contract/4.0/accepted to yale/asked to the prom/led a safari through the Congo/said the following adorable thing”
  • The “I’m in a relationship!!!” updater – this post is designed to a. remind everyone that this person is in a relationship b. make single people remember that they are single and c. make single people hate this person. Example: “My boyfriend is SO cute!! He made me ___________ and gave me a ______________ and said _____________!!” Insert mobile upload of photo of couple kissing or making weird faces or some other cliche pose.
  • The “Weatherman” updater – This person is usually from California and has now moved to New York/Texas/DC/Chicago, and while comfortable with their choice, HATES hearing about the kickass weather we’re having. They also want to be given credit for the humidity/snowstorms/hail they are experiencing. Example: “Can everyone in LA stop talking about how its sunny in January? K thanks bye.” “Definitely woke up to three feet of snow and a moose in my backyard today.” “Why bother taking a shower anymore, when I step outside, I instantly start sweating. Have developed a rash. I hate NYC in August.”
  • The “check out my witty observation” updater – This person maybe watched too many episodes of Seinfeld, laments their lack of a writing/standup/interesting career, and gets their kicks by people commenting on their status. They like saying things in their updates where they pick an every day object or action (pidgeons, driving, grocery shopping, boogers) and ask the public something like “Ever notice how/what’s the deal with/how come” (insert every day thing) “always does …….” These can be funny, but usually you’ve already heard them in a stand-up comedy routine or Thursday night sitcom.

Let me know if I’ve missed any. Tell me which ones youre most guilty of. Maybe we can all synchronize our status updates to something awesome later this week. : )

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