I’m having a really hard time with Carly’s passing. Look at her staff page here. How cute is that girl? Her obituary…I can barely recognize what that means…obituary. It was a beautiful summary of an incredible friend. Yesterday I was in “depression” stage. Today felt more like denial. I’m doing much better with denial. I’m more comfortable ignoring things that are awful. More comfortable making jokes about things, talking about anything but feelings. So. Here is my late night attempt at that. Thinking maybe you want to feel a little numb, too, I share my argument with Daylight savings, and a few memories of the past.

Daylight savings….me no likey. I’m so tired, I feel a little delirious, but still going. I had to get up at 6am to get to church because I was singing, but I was really scared my iPhone wouldn’t change time, as there was that glitch during the fall. So I googled what to do and discovered you could manually set the time. So I figured I would do that, bypass the chance that Apple and ATT satellites would screw up again, and be sure to wake up on time. I was so pleased with myself. Then I set all the other clocks in the house to spring forward or whatever. I sprung them. And then I tried to go to sleep.

For someone who is generally never on time, I have massive amounts of being on time anxiety. So it is hard for me to sleep. Then it is hard for me to wake up, because I love my snooze button. At any rate, at some point in the night, ATT beamed a signal to my phone, and SPRUNG IT ANOTHER HOUR FORWARD.

So when my alarm started beeping at 6am, I got up and started getting ready, but wondered why my coffee maker wasn’t brewing…and why it said 5am…and the oven said 5am….and the bathroom clock said 5am…  so i googled “what time is it” and found out it was indeed 5am, Apple had ruined my morning sleep.

My first instinct, when I wasn’t sure what time it really was, was to call “Popcorn.” Remember that number? 676 1111? Or was that the Mona number? Remember THAT?! If you went to Strandwood, Valley View, or Sequoia, you totally know what I’m talking about. It was right up there with being a member of the PEN-15 club.

Last night, I realized that if my phone died, I would have no way of waking up. I don’t have an alarm, I don’t have a wrist watch, I am not a rooster that rises by the sun. I like to rise by the noon sun, if I can. The other day I was listening to the Giants on KNBR in my car, and when I arrived at my house, I sat in the driveway paralyzed, because I have no radio in my home and I didn’t know how to keep listening to the game. I contemplated driving somewhere, like probably McDonalds, simply to keep listening.

I don’t have a dictionary, atlas, encyclopedia Britannica. I don’t have a library card, radio, house phone, telephone book. I use the interweb for everything. Isn’t that weird? Will our children even know what a library card is, or how to read those grid boxes on a Thomas Brothers map? I totally remember getting the Dolfins Swim team roster with all the phone numbers and addresses, pulling out my dad’s Thomas Bros. map book, and looking up the addresses of all the guys I had crushes on, and brain-storming about ways I could casually appear in their neighborhood.

Okay, that worked for a bit. Thinking about Carly again…I haven’t talked to her in person, just via facebook, for probably four or five years. Which is really sad, considering how we’d known each other practically our whole lives, and so much of what I remember about junior high and high school involves memories of her. So in her passing, when I feel sick because I miss her, its not like I’m missing conversations we were having every day. Its more like missing the idea that I could. Missing knowing that she was somewhere in the world having a great time, on a run or a hike, with a messy pony tail and a hooded sweatshirt, laughing, loving life.

A friend driving through Oregon today, right through Bend, where Carly was, sent me a message. This is someone I haven’t talked to in a couple of years, either, but what she said was so perfect. She told me that as she was driving through Bend, she saw a beautiful beautiful rainbow, stretched out fully across the sky, the ends of it touching as they looked East towards Bend.

Nothing seems very important or worth worrying over right now except being with ones that I love.

We miss you carly.

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