"jes, i will ass-ep dis roz"
“jes, i will ass-ep dis roz”

Hello, all – It’s JUAN-UARY!!!!! I meant to write separate reviews of each “most dramatic episode ever,” but I was so overwhelmed with Juan Pablo’s accent and abs combo that I am just now recovering enough to type semi-coherent thoughts.

yeah you are!
yeah you are!

First of all – el bachelor. um…anyone else ready to book a flight to Venezuela? Jua’Po, as I want to call him (kinda like “guapo,” get it get it?!”) comes from there. So I want to go to there. He’s tall, smiley, former professional futbol player who gave up his career to raise his daughter, who he seems to genuinely love and care for. He loves his family and to swivel his hips across the dance floor. He likes to wake you up in the morning by cooking arepas and thinks you look cute in your piyamas.

what did you say?!
what did you say?!

The opening episode is characteristically cringe-worthy….27 girls. Highlights include a girl who pulls up on a piano-bike, totally outdoing the piano key necktie (sit down, Mugatu). The girl who had the fake pregnancy bump…WHAT?! And someone brought her dog. I actually like that. A few smart girls tried their Spanish or mentioned soccer, but they basically all fangirled over the obscenely attractive Jua’Po.

He’s flirty and gentlemanly, asking the camera “how am I gonna do this?” Clearly connects with a few about being single parents. Cocktail party with dancing and a photo booth, which is cool, and then he asks if girls would “ass-ep” this rose. Poor redhead accidentally goes, thinking her name was called. Oklahoma face-palms as one of their own is the first to cry in a bathroom, and all of America wishes we could retire the phrase “ready to find my prince.”

Rachel, 29, cat-hater.
My submission photo:
Rachel, 29, cat-hater.

Question – I know the USA has fallen on hard times, but is the economy so bad that women think they can list “free spirit” and “dog lover” and “former such and such” as occupations? Because you can’t.

Episode Two: Clare gets the first date, and he takes her to a snow park. Snow = romance. It is known. And we have our first random concert at the end of the date. And our first hot tub make out. Snow + music + hot tub = uber romance.

….not even a little surprised.
….not even a little surprised.

Kat gets the second date, and Jua’Po takes her to Utah for an electric run! Now, this is kiiinda cool, but if it were me, I would be pissed about all the inner thigh chafage that I had to ignore for 3.1 miles.

Then we have the photoshoot – classic Bachelor group date. I want to thank Lucy, “free spirit” from Santa Barbara, for reminding America that women have boobs under their shirt…yikes for all the flashing.

Cocktail party brings us our second drunk and crying across an industrial toilet in the public bathroom girl, who also gets to live in infamy as the woman who “gave him the hymen maneuver” on television. Poor Victoria. Jua’Po, turns out, like to drink only one beer a night, and was super embarrassed for her.

Episode Three: “It’s just starting to get really real for me.” <– also, let’s retire this phrase. Unless it’s just to underscore how fake most of you seem on this show.

sexy selfie with my daughter! totes normals!
sexy selfie with my daughter! totes normals!

Confession – I don’t like when single parents come on this show, particularly moms. I realize dating as a single parent can be hard. Also, parenting as a single parent can be hard. But I would never suggest the solution is to leave your child for up to four months so you can be courted by a stranger on national television, when the odds are so incredibly low that it will actually work out, and you’ve just LEFT YOUR CHILD FOR MONTHS. Nothing about it is noble to me. okay. off soap box.

Cassandra, age 21, “former dancer,” single mom, weighing in at a whopping 90 pounds soaking wet, gets a one-on-one date. Spends the day nervously avoiding eye contact with Jua’Po, but adds to our “dates that involve a bikini” count. He sighs every time he says her name, so…it’s probably love.

tumblr_mzqe8jNjSO1qb1ut4o1_250Some girl named Chelsea I’d never seen before is forced to jump off a bridge after car-dancing with Jua’Po. Every season, I groan at the girls who are surprised when they have to jump off a building or face another normal fear on a date, if only so the producers can get them to say “I feel like if we can jump off this bridge/scuba dive with sharks/eat a whole pizza then we can do ANYTHING!” and make some leap to a relationship metaphor that isn’t really there. I wouldn’t want to jump off a bridge with anyone but a trained professional, thank you very much. Remember – when you apply to be on the Bachelor, list your fears as “frozen yogurt” and “meeting celebrities.”

And we bring our random concert count up to 2.

Back at the house, another blonde complains about how “young” she thinks Chelsea is. This girl is only two years older, and a first grade teacher, which I find funny, because I have known quite a few first grade teachers, and they are always talking to you like you are five years old.

my eyes! MY EYES!
my eyes! MY EYES!

The group date is soccer, which is unremarkable, except to see how many girls have never played sports before. Eek. We also learned that opera singers are really awkward and should never kiss on television or probably anywhere. Instead of a traditional cocktail party, Jua’Po cooks the girls breakfast, getting to see them all un-makeuped and piyama-ed pretty early in the season, which was smart of him. Although at this point in the series, I think girls should be expecting that. Then we had a pool party, gratuitous girls applying sunscreen shots, crying, and girl crying in bathroom count goes up to THREE.

So my favorites are….I like Rene, Andi, Alli, and opera singer against my better judgment, because she’s the most awkward and so fun to watch. Click here to see their pics and bios, which go black and white when they are voted off the island!

So I promise to be better about reviewing each episode, and will definitely have a “Bachelor Bingo” card ready for you all next week! Let me know what terms you think I should include!

Chau

i can't stop laughing….
i can’t stop laughing….
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